Rest In Peace, Mr Harris
by Manchester
Summary: Well, how do you think he would have wanted to go, anyway?


Xander Harris effortlessly ran down the road, glorying in the strenuous physical exertion that he'd been unable to perform for decades. Momentarily ignoring the pounding footsteps of his pursuers, the once-again young man instead allowed himself a rueful grin to appear upon his features, as he spotted a hundred yards ahead his…. Well, 'goal' wasn't the right word for it, nor would 'purpose' work, either. Maybe 'conclusion'… Yeah, a finishing point for the end of his race seemed to pretty much express it all, since that was where he was going to die.

Frankly, Xander had been more than willing over the last few years to leave this world. In his triple-digit lifespan, he'd sorrowfully watched all the other remaining members of the Scooby Gang - Buffy, Faith, Dawn, and Giles - go before him into the undiscovered country. Even Willow had left her yellow-crayon friend when she'd merged with the planet's magic and became an actual divine being of pure supernatural power, unable to ever walk again upon the material plane. The one-eyed man had also outlived all his children and some of his grandchildren, and he had little in common with his descendants anymore. The New Council with all its Watchers and Slayers still deeply respected the last survivor of those who'd closed the Sunnydale Hellmouth nearly a century before, but they really didn't need him around now, what with new crises and apocalypses coming along that those guardians of humanity were busily handling quite well on their own.

It all resulted in Xander not batting an eye when just a few hours ago, a green-scaled demon had appeared out of thin air in front of him at his small cottage in Scotland.

This fiend at once very politely identified himself as Kh'rollfy, and he stated that he was now the new ruler of a very familiar locale to the human: the wish-granting dimension formerly ruled by D'Hoffryn, who'd been the previous lord of that domain. However, that specific purple-faced demon had decades before overreached himself when as punishment for Anyanka's disobedience, D'Hoffryn had executed the former Norsewoman's only friend in her demonic life, another vengeance demon named Halfrek or Hallie. Having known and liked these women, Kh'rollfy was both furious and appalled at D'Hoffryn's actions, not to mention becoming a bit worried at having to work for such an unstable ruler. Wary discussions with his fellow demons quickly produced a shared agreement that D'Hoffryn had to go, and after years of plotting, a minor civil war resulted in their former leader being overthrown. To Xander's grim amusement, he was told that D'Hoffryn had then been executed by being changed into a little bunny that was dropped into a crocodile pit, with this unexpected snack being quickly gobbled up by one of those large, fanged reptiles.

Courteously thanking the newest demon lord for this happy news, Xander also asked exactly why this dimensional ruler had even bothered to come all the way to his world from that fiend's other level of reality, just to tell him this. Kh'rollfy explained that as one of his first edicts in power, Earth would now be banned to wish-granting demons. Among other things, what with all the new Slayers around, it was simply getting too dangerous for his subjects to visit, and there were lots of other, more safer dimensions to meddle with in peace and quiet. However, before Kh'rollfy permanently sealed up the portals between their realities, one last wish would be granted to a certain human, if he wanted it.

Instantly figuring it out, Xander now determinedly shuffled off away in the opposite direction from Kh'rollfy as fast as a hundred and twenty year old man could do so. Which honestly wasn't all that hasty, as seen by Kh'rollfy's casual stroll after and then into Xander's path, causing that human to come to a grouchy stop. A very suspicious Scooby then heard a demon lord's oath upon his very magic that the offered wish was in no way disadvantageous to Xander. Nor would it cause harm to anyone else in the entire world, should that human fear for his friends and family. The further caveats that Kh'rollfy then mentioned concerning the wish began to slowly make Xander less mistrustful over the whole business, ending up with the ancient man starting to seriously consider it.

Simply put, in the next few minutes, Xander could chose the manner of his death as he wished. He could die however he liked - heroic, peacefully, valiant, comically, epic, and anything else he could think of, in any setting, world, situation, or story ever created - all without the slightest pain or ill effects. Shifting his aching body that now seemed to consist of one big 'owie', Xander was growing more and more tempted, until he then cautiously asked about the possible consequences of committing suicide. Seemingly expecting this, Kh'rollfy now compellingly revealed a message straight from the _real_ Powers (not those other lower-level control freaks) guaranteeing as a result of all of Xander's good works and deeds done during his lifetime, this man would go directly to heaven when he died.

That little bit of encouraging news led to Xander mentioning to Kh'rollfy that if he was gonna pass through the Pearly Gates eventually, then what was the whole point of kicking the bucket sooner? Shrugging, the demon lord agreed that Xander had a convincing argument there, and if he really wanted to, the human could turn down the wish. On the other hand, it would never be offered again, and even though the last member of the Scooby Gang might live a little bit longer, this would be the normal uncertain lifespan of someone already guaranteed an entry into the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest living people. No checking out from the nearest library any really thick books, to say the least. Plus, unless he managed to suddenly drop dead at any moment from now, sooner or later, it'd come down to being stuck in a hospital bed zonked to the gills with painkillers and having his bedpan changed while waiting for the whole messy business of dying to be finished with at last.

Mulling that over, Xander Harris found it pretty easy to make his decision. Glancing across the cottage's living room at where Kh'rollfy was gazing back, an expectant look upon this demon's scaled face, the human took a final deep breath, and then he made a wish.

Back to where he was still easily racing down the road to his last moments in the mortal world, Xander whooped in sheer glee as he hopped up in mid-stride, twisted his healthy body around in a half-spin while floating in the air, and came down to start flawlessly running backwards. As he did this, Xander once again appreciatively eyed the dozen very beautiful women a few yards away that were still chasing him, as they'd done for the last hour. It really was a pity that he couldn't allow them to catch him, but Xander had been firmly informed by Kh'rollfy that this would render the wish null and void, and he'd just reappear back in his world as a toothless oldster nearly blind in his remaining eye and with a prostate gland as big as Texas.

With his vision restored to perfection, as it hadn't been since Caleb had attacked him nearly a hundred years before, Xander meticulously observed how the bare breasts of the pursuing young women were merrily bouncing in all directions during their near-naked sprint after him. All of these supremely fit females were otherwise wearing only running shoes with socks, G-strings, wrist and armbands, and protective crash helmets. For the next minute or so, Xander joyfully congratulated himself at picking the specific scene from 'Monty Python's The Meaning of Life', where a bunch of gorgeous nude ladies chased a guy off-

As every one of his pursuers simultaneously skidded to a stop, which through inertia produced a really amazing effect of twelve pairs of mammary glands protruding directly at him, Xander felt his right foot coming down not upon the hard road asphalt, but upon empty air. Falling backwards as he went off the cliff edge, Xander lazily threw out his arms to hold them in a horizontal position. Looking as if he was lying down on the softest possible bed, Xander continued his doomed plunge while spending his very last moments using his keen sight to watch the heaving breasts of a single woman up there and growing further away, with beads of sweat trickling down the superb curves to hang teasingly from her nip-

Blackness.

At some point in time after that, a mental voice imperiously demanded a response: *Okay, doofus, here's a question for you, and you better think _real _hard before responding. Whose boobs were better, mine or that bitch you were just ogling?*

There wasn't the slightest awkward moment before Xander replied, *Yours, of course, Cordy. There was never in the history of the human race any better, more magnificent, wonderful rack than that which belonged to Cordelia Chase, the supreme woman.*

*Gooood answer. C'mon, take my hand. We've got lots of people waiting to meet you again.*

*Are there Twinkies?*

*It wouldn't be heaven without them, Xan.*


End file.
